Tracks, Trails, & Tidbits

[Contra Costa Times, 24 December 2003.]

Did you know that Bigfoot has his (or her) own Web site?

This tidbit comes from some computer-oriented friends of mine who really need to find more challenging outlets for their pent-up energies. And, let me state right at the outset that, there would have to be both genders, male and female, in order for the Bigfoot legend to be viable. Unless, like some species of fish and the occasional weird lizard, Bigfoots can transgender to reproduce.

I started wondering about this Bigfoot thing after a friend mentioned that the Web site lists five sightings in Wyoming. Unfortunately, he didn't say how recent these were. But he did say that one sighting was near the west gate of Yellowstone Park. Which was a relief for me.

Why? Simply because I've been a Yeti believer since early childhood. Around the time I was abducted by aliens and taken to Mexico. Or somewhere they talked funny. Maybe that was Los Angeles or even St. Paul, Minn. But I digress.

Yeti, or the American version, Bigfoot, simply has to exist. That many people can't all be liars, can they? Anyway, I've been seeking the elusive Bigfoot for many years.

I've back-packed, horse-packed and four wheeled across untold thousands of square miles of remote real estate looking for an encounter with one. Of course, I don't know what I'd do if I found one, but that's a small bridge to cross.

The larger problem would be proper taxonomic classification. After all, we only know the darned things aren't human, unless they're a surviving tribe of misplaced human-hating Neanderthals. In which case they're probably as close to human as some of our political representatives.

But as far as Game and Fish is concerned, how would it classify these critters? Are they endangered, threatened, or merely reclusive? Was Howard Hughes a relative? And, exactly where on the evolutionary scale do they fit?

Are they predators? Are they varmints? Are they big game since apparently they're both big and gamy? They have to be intelligent since they don't frequent malls, cocktail parties or Michael Jackson concerts. Should we shoot them or just make friends with them?

If we happen to shoot one, mistaking it for an overly large snowshoe hare, which also don't exist in Park County, should we try to eat it or just skin it and have it mounted?

Would non-residents need a guide? Is double malt Scotch considered bait? If they're more human than animal, would they be allowed to vote? Are they a renewable resource?

There are a multitude of questions that need answers. If they exist (and they do), if they are out there (and they are), then one day we who pursue the improbable to prove the unbelievable to the impossible to convince, will be validated.

And remember, you read it here first.

WCSRO, 2006.